Archive for the ‘Technology Gone Amok’ Category

CONFESSIONS OF A SILENT SNURFER

Tuesday, November 6th, 2007

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Mary,

I didn’t know that talking on the cell and surfing the internet at the same time had the actual term of “SNURFING” attached to it.

What is even worse is that I DO IT ALL THE TIME. I try to be sneaky with the typing part, and only hit keys while I am doing the yakking so the person on the other end cannot hear the pitter-patter of fingertips investigating the internet. This is so rude and is still working for me. Until I am found out I will probably have to continue….call it rude AND efficient.

Seems like when cell phones arrived manners went out the window. Multi-tasking is our constant mantra and if courtesy and politeness gets in the way, JUST STEER CLEAR!

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW??

Lorraine, the Silent Snurfer

SNURFING: THE LATEST IN BAD MANNERS

Monday, November 5th, 2007

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Okay, I was really hoping this one would go under the radar.

Have you heard of the newest Miss Manners Faux Paux?

Well, it’s called SNURFING and WE ALL DO IT. Snurfing is defined as talking on the phone and surfing the Internet at the same time.

Those of us who are guilty of this pride ourselves on being multi-taskers. After all, there is only so much time in a day, and we are very important people with very important things to do.

What’s so wrong with me checking in with my children AND reading about Brangelina’s latest rumored fight at the same time?

My daughter: “Mom, I’m not doing well in school.”

Me: “Hmmm…that’s nice.”

My daughter: “Mom, it’s not nice. I’m practically flunking out of this $40,000 year school!

Me: “Oh…that’s great.”

My daughter: “Mom! What’s that tapping I hear? Are you on the Internet again while you’re talking to me?!”

Me: “Un huh. That’s so interesting.”

Click.

Several minutes later, I am indignant when I realize I’ve been hung up on.

Now, that’s rude!

Mary

RE: BUZZIN BLACKBERRIES

Monday, October 15th, 2007

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Okay, let me take this a step further…

Of course I hear the occasional phantom vibration and greedily grab my phone (because yes I am important and needed!) to see who is bothering me for my precious time. When I see that there has been NO CALL, why do I feel deflated, undervalued, underappreciated and downright crestfallen?

The more of these phantom vibrations I hear on a daily basis, the more of an emotional roller coaster I’m on.

I’m sure there must be some new psychological name for this–perhaps I’ll become famous by thinking of a good name for it. It’s definately in the class of some kind of neurosis, so I could start there. Of course, why does the word NARCISSISM immediately come to mind? Damn.

But this is the even SCARIER THING: I was in the hot tub with Nick the other afternoon enjoying the fall infested Boulder day, and, I swear I heard that little “Ding” sound that tells you YOU’VE GOT MAIL!

I heard it as clearly as those cell phone vibrations. My computer was nowhere in sight and instead of just enjoying my time with my husband, I sat there wondering what important vital critical life-altering e-mail was awaiting me!

BTW, there was an article recently that reported that 65% of married people spend more time with their computer than their spouse. I really hope Nick didn’t see this article! It would support his recent complaints…but that’s another story.

Gotta go…I hear something ringing/dinging/buzzin…and this time I’M SURE it’s real.

Mary

P.S. After the hot tub dinging incident, upon anticipating my new e-mail, of course there was none…except some spam about hot flash slather all over your body cream.

BUZZIN BLACKBERRIES

Friday, October 12th, 2007

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I love the story of Americans who are so used to carrying their blackberry or cell phone everywhere that even when the mobile device is 10 miles from their physical presence, they still think they are being contacted. They are feeling the vibration or hearing the ringtone from their left-at-home gadgets and must be starting to book appointments with their nearest neurologist just to find out what is going on.

Obviously these communication addicts are not crazy even though looking down at one’s empty belt loop and uttering the words “HELLO” would put you in that category.

I don’t have a Blackberry so cannot speak to the imagined vibration but I do admit to hearing my cell phone ring and then finding out it was NOT.

At this point I have to ask myself: Was I expecting a call, was I looking forward to a call, was I so bored I was PRAYING for a call – I don’t know. I think I hear things that are not there on a more regular basis these days anyway. When I google “ringing in the ear”, I don’t come up with phantom ringtones, I come up with another symptom of middle age.

Maybe my cell phone is like my pair of reading glasses……….when they aren’t there ,SOMETHING reminds me I can’t be without them!

RE: SMILEYS THAT WON’T MAKE YOU WANT TO THROW UP

Thursday, August 30th, 2007

Lorraine,

I love the ideas of the different smileys that are not so sweetly sickening and are more to the point of the actual way we feel from time to time.

The mood I’m in this morning, the only Smiley that works for me is:
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They’re the “Over-the-Hill Smiley Balloons”

Ugggh…if I hear the 40’s are the new 20’s and the 50’s are the new 30’s one more time, I’m going to pop the Smug Smiley face of the little 20 something advertising exec that started the whole damn thing…

Mary

SMILEYS THAT WON’T MAKE YOU WANT TO THROW UP

Wednesday, August 29th, 2007

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Hey Mary,

I was just investigating the “Create Fun Mail” option on my AOL “Write Mail”. Yes, the option has been there for years and I finally had some spare computer time on my hands and decided to investigate this creative tool for E-mails. So, I discovered that when you click onto “Smileys” you are presented with some of the corniest visual descriptions of the Smiley that you can add to your e-mail.

Let me give you some examples:

Smiley Smiley
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Sleepy Smiley
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Sad Smiley
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Goofy Smiley
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The list goes on and on…“

Right off the top of my head, I’m realizing you and I could add SO many better Smileys that all moms/wives/girlfriends/employees/bosses could use and have a much better time!

How about Smiley giving the evil eye to her children as they create havoc in the living room?
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How about Smiley smirking as she brings in 6 pairs of new shoes and hides them from hubby–
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How about Smiley throwing back a few beers as she views the dirty laundry that has collected as she was working her 40 hour week?
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How about Smiley downing her daily dose of Xanax?
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How about Smiley looking defeated as she checks out the cellulite in the mirror?

How about Smiley looking longingly as the NASA shuttle takes off wishing she was on it?!

These are just a few ideas that will improve and humorize the current Smiley offerings.

We should submit more and try to get paid for it - call it Smileys for People Who Have a Pulse. Or, Smileys for People Who Really Want to Make a Point.

Gotta go. I’m making plans for family to “invade” soon. Each has an itinerary that they want and all I can say is If I get one more request for any event that logistically cannot happen or calls for me to make one more trip to the airport all the way in Charleston, I am going to send myself a SMILEY WITH A NOOSE AROUND ITS NECK!!!
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Lorraine

TXT MSG–HUH?????

Tuesday, August 28th, 2007

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Mary,

Not that this is anything new, but a friend of mine sent me an e-mail Text Message—oh that was fun—it took me longer to figure out what he was trying to say even though the actual words are only letters and abbreviated words—like, r u there or 4 u info. After receiving and attempting to decode, I felt stuck in the Stone Age. I had to go over each and every letter and then re-patch to actually have a sentence that made any sense to me. I thought to myself that even Albert Einstein may have had trouble with this text messaging—it’s shorthand for the computer or the cell phone—but where is the text messaging dictionary—does everyone abbreviate words the same—is there a text message protocol?????

My next question is if we have unrealistic expectations of those that do not text message—I need to find out the text messaging lingo and website and start studying it—think of how we could communicate using half the words now necessary!! It is embarrassing to keep staring at the cell phone screen trying to decipher the text-message - it just ads time to the wrinkle between my eyebrows AND the time factor involved in not only decoding, but attempting to reply QUICKLY is ridiculous. This whole thing is extremely stressful and leads me to just make the reply phone call or send a speedy email. Guess we better climb on board and keep current.

I can’t imagine this is a good thing for our children who are already lagging at reading and spelling—like the calculator which only let them rely on an adding machine to do their numerical problems, their math skills suffered and tanked. Sooner or later with this abbreviated language, they will never have to know how to spell—they just need to know the alphabet. So, taken to it’s logical conclusion, they can just graduate from the 1st grade and they are done with spelling and grammar——cause with text messaging there is NO grammar, and there is NO spelling. They can study symbols and the alphabet and get a degree.
So now, I LOL (laugh out loud)–and search for the nearest translation website.

Wrt bk, Lorraine

Lorraine, yes, this whole text-messaging thing makes me feel like I’m doing a crossword puzzle. I get these text messages from my friend Shona from Scotland. Between the Scottish accent and the text messaging, I don’t have a clue what she’s saying! I just text back: Dtto!
And I don’t know about your kids, but Kellie and Cassie spit out those text messages like they’re fluent in a second language…I just look at their fingers flying along their phones in a blurry haze…can they market this skill? Can they get degrees in this that will give them six-figure incomes? Can they support me in my old age with their amazing txt msging skills?

Another way to feel old—we need to get hip and get with this new program. You go first! Mary

OK Mary, let me give it a try:

Lo. Werv u bin n what r u doin? Wenja wan2tlk? I wl b F2T 2morrow aftnoon- hsbnd is isit 2morro-l8tr n D aftnoon-Wish we cld do Ich-Gonna go 4 now—hope ur day is gr8!! L8tr, Lorraine

Mary: Dtto!

INTERNET INSANITY

Wednesday, August 22nd, 2007

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INTERNET INSANITY

Lorraine,

Putting up this website and trying to figure out all the computer language, dealing with computer glitzes, ftp addresses and a computer foreign language that will take me years to learn is driving me to INSANITY!!

You know what the definition of insanity is don’t you? Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results!

I’m trying to have my computer and the Internet become close friends and allies. It’s not working—in the past couple of months, my hard drive has crashed TWICE, wireless disappeared, and I cracked my screen (remember when I was talking to you and trying to carry too much stuff with one hand).

I love my computer but I’m feeling like a jilted lover.

Uploads, downloads, bumped off the Internet, material lost, symbols appearing out of nowhere—HOW DOES ANYONE FIGURE THIS OUT?

You need a frigging PH.D. in Computer Science to send an e-mail.

I need some Valium.

Mary

Mary,

Forget the PH.D. in computer science, not only would we be graduating about the time that we are checking into the assisted-living facility, our brain capacity for retention is now out-of-order and totally defunked. Our heads now need to come complete with a “default” button that one would push to bring our VERY gray matter back to “original set-up-mode”, then and only then could we walk away with real knowledge of a mainframe.
After trying to figure out why my laptop wouldn’t connect to the internet I had the same frustrating and exasperating experiences, this time with simple words.

Why do computer techs who are working with you, over the phone, to fix or diagnose a problem use terms like “power down your computer” instead of the only one I understand which is “shut it off”.

Or, “disconnect from the electrical connection”, instead of the easy “unplug”.

Due to the many days of not being able to connect to the internet and intercept my incoming mail, I had an enormous amount of unread emails. Upon hearing my complaint the tech told me I should consider claiming E-MAIL BANKRUPTCY. I thought maybe he had morphed into a banker but he went on to explain that when there are too many unread emails to open and read, one can paste an apologetic message regarding the lack of response to said email, attach all addresses, hit send and everyone reads of your plight and internet forgiveness is granted. You were not being rude, you just had no ACCESS. This must now be considered a form of internet manners.

I like my idea better. I asked the tech if this was a possibility……you just DELETE all, since the majority of them are garbage and if they need to get back to you, they will!! He had no response.

Internet techies with no sense of humor…too bad cause these situations are just begging for a laugh.

Lorraine