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Middle age is truly miserable, according to a study using data from 80 countries showing that depression is most common among men and women in their 40s.

British and U.S. researchers found that happiness for people ranging from Albania to Zimbabwe follows a U-shaped curve where life begins cheerful before turning tough during middle age and then returning to the joys of youth in the golden years.

So I’m confused.  This seems to be a world wide trend and is consistent among married people, single people, in-between people. What then is all this hype about the 40’s being the new 30’s and the 50’s being the new 40’s?  And apparently, the “golden years” are the new childhood.

I’ve been actually feeling so happy and now I’m feeling schizophrenic.  And if the 40’s are the years for depression and I’m in my early 50’s, why do I need this bio-identical hormone patch to help with my hormonal mood swings?

Were women a part of this study?

I need to have a whole new perspective.  Now I can’t wait for the golden years so I can be a kid again.

Hmmm…why am I not convinced?   This depression study is making me depressed.

Mary 

Lorraine, 

You should NEVER stay up at these ungodly hours watching these tele-whatever they are who you should know better are SLICK OIL SALESPEOPLE.  

It’s simply an unfortunate coincidence that this “tele-expert” AKA beauty school dropout didn’t like your very sophisticated and modern choice of lipstick.  Now, you know that living in Boulder, Colorado doesn’t put me on the Top 10 Fashion City list, but I know enough to know that your lipstick shade looks great on you, and at the end of the day, isn’t that all that matters?

Good thing I still have the basic tomboy in me who doesn’t give a rip about this stuff.  Fine, I’m vain enough to pay for Botox and my soon-to-be around the corners of my mouth Juvederm, but those things are simple and someone else does it for me.

As for picking a lipstick, I usually grab them at Whole Foods and feel fashion conscious and environmental at the same time.  I rarely look at the actual shade because then I start feeling overwhelmed at the choices.

Lesson for you Lorraine:  Drink some warm milk at night and count sheep and whatever you do, avoid any kind of late night TV…unless it’s a “Real Housewives of Orange County Housewives”.  Compared to them, you’re a fashion mogul.

Mary 

Mary,

Last night during my constant “I cannot sleep” period, I started to watch, in hoping to be so bored that it would actually cause slumber, a show called “WHAT NOT TO WEAR”. 

The show finds a woman who has lost all fashion sense and motivation for taking care of herself and then tells the woman how horrific she looks.  They point out each and every flaw and mistake being made by this poor fashion victim, give her money and send her out in hopes she changes her usual buying habits and put her into a whole new wardrobe.  

ANYWAY, they get to the part where the poor tasteless woman has to get new makeup.  The makeup expert asks to see what kind of lipstick she is currently wearing.

Mary, I swear this is true.  Low and behold, the fashion failure pulls out the exact lipstick (brand and shade) that I wear - at which time the makeup expert went completely BERSERK spouting rude comments such as, “Uggh, that color is SO old, this shade has been around since the 80;s - it is so 10 minutes ago, it is  out of style and is now such a makeup NO – NO!” This poor woman at the other end of the lipstick lecture needed a rock to hide under and so did I.

There I sat, in the dark, suffering my silent humiliation.    But wait, I love my lipstick, and if I had seen this during the day when I was more alert, I would have hopped up, shot to the mirror and examined my lips and how the lipstick looked.  But since it was hours till dawn, I had to sit and think about my bad lipstick, my older age, my inability to embrace lip-gloss and I had to admit my overall makeup faux paux.

Now I really couldn’t sleep, I had to face my last-century lipstick reality, and obsess about hitting the makeup counters in the morning, searching for the newest bestest lipstick color.

I will follow the directions of the tele-makeup expert and purchase something (as she did for the poor tasteless woman) a few shades different - and I mean just a few shades. I can handle that, I will look at myself with this new shade and wonder if I really look better or just more current and I will apply my new shade convincing myself that the tele-makeup expert recommended this SO IT MUST BE RIGHT.

They are young and in-style, I am apparently stuck in a make-up time warp. I hope to get some sleep soon.  Even a new shade of lip tint won’t hide dark circle and bags under my eyes AND because I don’t know if I can emotionally handle another session of any type of makeover, it’s too much silent humiliation.

Lorraine 

 Well, forget the gym.  I’m spending my 30 minutes a day doing these “brain teasers”.  A more accurate term is “brain torture”.  I got on www.lumosity.com for a 2 week free trial.  Doing these little mind exercises is a bit like water torture.  Especially the “popping monster” one.  Try it and you’ll know what I mean.  I don’t remember which box the taunting monster came from and I don’t care!I’m trying to figure out how these confusing conundrums are going to help me with my day to day forgetfulness.  I’m more concerned about keeping track of my car keys, reading glasses and cell phone! If that green-eyed monster can help me do that, I’ll pay big bucks when they ask me to sign up.  In the meantime, those little yellow stickies are working just fine.Mary    

Lots of things during my day have become real brain teasers, but maybe I have to admit that they are more annoyances than exercise for the gray matter.  Things like constantly getting kicked off of my wi-fi, trying to understand why the trash doesn’t get picked up on trash day and attempting to stop whomever has my personal phone number on their automatic fax dial-up.

Even though these things do make your neurons perk they are not considered enough exercise to keep the brain young and fit……..and not enough to ward off any type of dementia.  So I have incorporated some actual brain teaser exercises into my daily routine.

There are many sites on the internet that you can find these mental work-outs and some of them can actually be fun…………fun until you conquer the first level and then are kicked up to the next.  When I found I couldn’t get out of level one on the memory quiz I started to freak out.  Memory is what I want to keep until the end and it is my worst brain subject.  I keep trying and trying but I can’t get out of memory kindergarten…….Now I am frightened and REALLY WANT TO FORGET. 

Lorraine 

Snaggle Tooth, OPPS………I mean Mary,

Why are you so worried about being almost toothless?

 IF you have any crooning abilities, just get heavily tattooed, wear very black eye makeup, stop eating, get a boyfriend who spends most of his musical career in jail AND call yourself a ROCK STAR. 

It worked for Amy Winehouse and she doesn’t look like she is actively seeking a dental facility, bridgework or an implant.

If that isn’t working for you than just ignore the following humorous phrases:

Just call me FANG.

Look Ma……..No teeth!!

All I want for Christmas ……and

SMILE ——– OR NOT.

I am sorry to hear the trouble you are having with one of your chompers, but I am sure when the dentists and oral surgeons are through with you, your new “grill” will be perfect.

At our age we have to remember this popular saying -

             Smile…..it increases your face value.

This only rings true when we have a full set of pearly-whites, otherwise the words “old” and “needs dentures” will apply.

Lorraine

(And her full set of teeth)

Is anyone else out there going through a TOOTH IMPLANT PROCEDURE? Is this a mid-life issue or just a consequence from a childhood accident? It all started back in the second grade. I was playing in the basement at my friend’s house running around in the dark (playing “Ghost”). I tripped and landed right on my mouth. One of my front teeth was never the same and I’ve had a couple of caps over the years.

Well, this past Father’s Day while dining out with my husband and step-daughter, the cap became loose and got swallowed right along with the tender morsels of barbeque ribs I’d been enjoying. I knew I should have become a vegetarian. In one quick second, I went from sophisticated professional to white trailer trash. I learned how to not smile really quickly due to the insensitive laughter and hysteria coming from my family who thought the whole thing was a riot.

Now, I’ve started the whole fun IMPLANT process. My dentist told me that this was the latest and greatest in technological dental advances. While I’m sure he explained this part, I usually like to zone out any kind of actual specific details. All I heard was that I was going to end up with a perfect looking front tooth.I started the process a couple of weeks ago which involved taking out the temporary cap they had put in, digging out the root and bones (ugh) and giving me a BIG THICK PLASTIC RETAINER WITH FAKE TOOTH THAT I NOW MUST WEAR FOR 9 MONTHS!!! I really should have been listening to those little details.

How can I explain the feeling? I’m trying to talk to my clients and my words come out thick and slurred with saliva spraying everywhere. This could end my public speaking career. Then when I go out to eat, I’m chomping along and this retainer thingy is moving all over the place and I can’t really taste my food. I’ve lost over 5 pounds if that’s any consolation. My husband is thrilled. As a result of this latest dental modern miracle, I just don’t talk as much. Maybe I’ll become an introvert. Maybe I’ll become a monk. Is there still a tooth fairy?

Mary

 Lorraine,You know I love you, but where are the violins?  Need I remind you that you are shortly on your way back to the nice warm beaches of South Carolina?  I mean, 5 days in the frozen tundra do not constitute cabin fever.I, on the other hand, won’t see a green leaf until early May and I should have a whole symphony of violins by my side.  Is it some peri-menopausal symptom that I am always cold?  Always?  I’m hoping it’s just because it’s been about 5 degrees every day since mid-December and I live in a 100 year old house that has NO HEAT upstairs.Of course, Boulder does have like actually live people, so my cabin fever doesn’t come from complete and total isolation.Wonder how your hubbie is going to entice you back to the land where the term “global warming” has never been uttered.  Do you need any more jewlery?  This latest malaise could nab you some nice stuff.Mary  

Mary,

Over the years I have lived in places with lots of snow and cold weather, but this is my first experience with CABIN FEVER.  I am in the mountains of Southern Colorado and it is literally FRIGID.   Before, when kept indoors because of very chilly temperatures and inches of snow, I always had the kids to keep me company and all of the duties of a mom and housewife to take up the time then spent inside.

Now I am stuck between the “four walls” because of the same freezing weather and blowing snow but this time, because the kiddos are up, grown and gone, I find I HAVE NOTHING TO DO.

Granted, the first day was fine as I found quiet time to read, get on the computer and watch some television.  The second day was little more disconcerting as I was starting to search for something meaningful to work on and by the third day I was ready to jump out of my skin.

A few years ago I might have seen Cabin Fever as more of a “spa experience” for me, without the massage and aromatherapy.  I would have been calm and loved taking advantage of all the “down time” I was enjoying.  I might have luxuriated in comfort food, naps and meditation. I would have been rewarding myself for previously busy life.

Now in my almost mid-50’s I find I can’t sit still for too long.  I don’t enjoy “down time”.  I feel best when being productive, interacting with people, exercising my brain, being outdoors and feeling alive. 

I can’t explain what happened between then and now and I don’t want to ponder for too long……just have to pack up the cabin and head for sunshine!!

Lorraine

Mary,

It is heartening to know that “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander” has finally come true in the form of female Viagra, even if it is known as Oxytocin!!  Better hang tight with the few you have and steer those other gals to the nearest doctor’s office, and oh, by the way……..who is the maker of this pill cause we need to buy stock NOW.

All of this emphasis on making sure no one ever suffers from any type of sexual dysfunction is all well and good, but I have this nagging visual in the back of my head…let me paint the picture

A loving couple enjoying a romantic dinner replete with candles, fresh flowers, wine and soft music.  They flirt and touch but before they take these loving moments to the next level they each grab their “Viagra” and Oxytocin pill respectively,  their water glass, toast and swallow……..

Romance tempered with pharmacology……….Whatever works!!

Lorraine