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Lorraine,

I love the ideas of the different smileys that are not so sweetly sickening and are more to the point of the actual way we feel from time to time.

The mood I’m in this morning, the only Smiley that works for me is:

They’re the “Over-the-Hill Smiley Balloons”

Ugggh…if I hear the 40’s are the new 20’s and the 50’s are the new 30’s one more time, I’m going to pop the Smug Smiley face of the little 20 something advertising exec that started the whole damn thing…

Mary

Hey Mary,

I was just investigating the “Create Fun Mail” option on my AOL “Write Mail”. Yes, the option has been there for years and I finally had some spare computer time on my hands and decided to investigate this creative tool for E-mails. So, I discovered that when you click onto “Smileys” you are presented with some of the corniest visual descriptions of the Smiley that you can add to your e-mail.

Let me give you some examples:

Smiley Smiley

Sleepy Smiley

Sad Smiley

Goofy Smiley

The list goes on and on…“

Right off the top of my head, I’m realizing you and I could add SO many better Smileys that all moms/wives/girlfriends/employees/bosses could use and have a much better time!

How about Smiley giving the evil eye to her children as they create havoc in the living room?

How about Smiley smirking as she brings in 6 pairs of new shoes and hides them from hubby–

How about Smiley throwing back a few beers as she views the dirty laundry that has collected as she was working her 40 hour week?

How about Smiley downing her daily dose of Xanax?

How about Smiley looking defeated as she checks out the cellulite in the mirror?

How about Smiley looking longingly as the NASA shuttle takes off wishing she was on it?!

These are just a few ideas that will improve and humorize the current Smiley offerings.

We should submit more and try to get paid for it - call it Smileys for People Who Have a Pulse. Or, Smileys for People Who Really Want to Make a Point.

Gotta go. I’m making plans for family to “invade” soon. Each has an itinerary that they want and all I can say is If I get one more request for any event that logistically cannot happen or calls for me to make one more trip to the airport all the way in Charleston, I am going to send myself a SMILEY WITH A NOOSE AROUND ITS NECK!!!

Lorraine

Mary,

Not that this is anything new, but a friend of mine sent me an e-mail Text Message—oh that was fun—it took me longer to figure out what he was trying to say even though the actual words are only letters and abbreviated words—like, r u there or 4 u info. After receiving and attempting to decode, I felt stuck in the Stone Age. I had to go over each and every letter and then re-patch to actually have a sentence that made any sense to me. I thought to myself that even Albert Einstein may have had trouble with this text messaging—it’s shorthand for the computer or the cell phone—but where is the text messaging dictionary—does everyone abbreviate words the same—is there a text message protocol?????

My next question is if we have unrealistic expectations of those that do not text message—I need to find out the text messaging lingo and website and start studying it—think of how we could communicate using half the words now necessary!! It is embarrassing to keep staring at the cell phone screen trying to decipher the text-message - it just ads time to the wrinkle between my eyebrows AND the time factor involved in not only decoding, but attempting to reply QUICKLY is ridiculous. This whole thing is extremely stressful and leads me to just make the reply phone call or send a speedy email. Guess we better climb on board and keep current.

I can’t imagine this is a good thing for our children who are already lagging at reading and spelling—like the calculator which only let them rely on an adding machine to do their numerical problems, their math skills suffered and tanked. Sooner or later with this abbreviated language, they will never have to know how to spell—they just need to know the alphabet. So, taken to it’s logical conclusion, they can just graduate from the 1st grade and they are done with spelling and grammar——cause with text messaging there is NO grammar, and there is NO spelling. They can study symbols and the alphabet and get a degree.
So now, I LOL (laugh out loud)–and search for the nearest translation website.

Wrt bk, Lorraine

Lorraine, yes, this whole text-messaging thing makes me feel like I’m doing a crossword puzzle. I get these text messages from my friend Shona from Scotland. Between the Scottish accent and the text messaging, I don’t have a clue what she’s saying! I just text back: Dtto!
And I don’t know about your kids, but Kellie and Cassie spit out those text messages like they’re fluent in a second language…I just look at their fingers flying along their phones in a blurry haze…can they market this skill? Can they get degrees in this that will give them six-figure incomes? Can they support me in my old age with their amazing txt msging skills?

Another way to feel old—we need to get hip and get with this new program. You go first! Mary

OK Mary, let me give it a try:

Lo. Werv u bin n what r u doin? Wenja wan2tlk? I wl b F2T 2morrow aftnoon- hsbnd is isit 2morro-l8tr n D aftnoon-Wish we cld do Ich-Gonna go 4 now—hope ur day is gr8!! L8tr, Lorraine

Mary: Dtto!

Mary,

Remember way back when–when there was all of that hoopla over a debuting show called Desperate Housewives - and we had our own ideas about that. To this day I have never watched or had any desire to watch Desperate Housewives — maybe it plays at the same time as WHAT NOT TO WEAR, or 10-MINUTE MAKEOVER. Either way, we wanted to go to the networks with our own show: DEPRESSED HOUSEWIVES. This was going to be a Reality Show about real housewives. We knew we weren’t desperate (who has time to be desperate)–depressed? Right up our alley!

At the time, we wanted a show that would portray the real side of our lives and how one must make it humorous and uplifting just to get through. We certainly don’t want to or have to deal with sex…how mundane and boring–like that is all so new to the TV screen. Please…give me a dilemma with kids, noise ordinances, police involvement, court appearances, snowball fights, overdrafts, girlfriend/boyfriend challenges, eating disorders, food issues and medical maladies and I will show you one hilarious show—that would be entertainment for the REAL WORLD. AND give us show with women with real bodies.

No wonder we require therapy for body-image issues.

Lorraine

Lorraine,

First of all, let’s call Desperate Housewives exactly what it is. It’s a cheesy remake of Dallas and Knot’s Landing. I can’t believe no one has pointed this out before now. Except now…there’s even more silicone and more liposuction with a dash of anorexia thrown in!

I still love your idea of the show for women with REAL BODIES (Biggest Looser doesn’t count). If I see one more photo of those desperate/anorexic/surgically enhanced women I’m going to either slash my wrists or make an appointment to see a plastic surgeon. Either one is not a good option and would cost too much money.

Why is this show still so popular? And why am I noticing that some of its biggest fans are 13 YEARS OLD! These must be the same girls that dress up like Britney Spears for Halloween.

Give me that HBO show BIG LOVE about the cute guy from Twister and his THREE WIVES—now that’s desperate!

Speaking of desperate and depressed, I’m helping Cassie pack up all her belongings for her trek to her Boston college tomorrow. We’re on the plane bright and early tomorrow.

Doesn’t being desperate in the real world really involve a lot of junk food and chocolate—not perfect looking people in perfect looking neighborhoods?

Mary

Mary,

Who knew we were so ahead of our time but didn’t have any direct ties to TV Execs or networks to sell our ideas? Many a new show has shown up in our living rooms since the debut of Desperate Housewives that include all of the specifics we had outlined in our idea for our Depressed Housewives show. They beat us to the punch with programs like Nanny 911 and The Dr. Phil House.

Too bad we didn’t get there first — the difference between those shows and ours is that ours would have had as much dark reality, but WAY MORE LAUGHS.

Lorraine

Lorraine,

This is depressing and ridiculous. I open my local newspaper to the Lifestyle section and see this heading “STUDY REVEALS HOW TO TELL IF SHE’S FAKING” (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4111360.stm). It goes on to say that researchers (ALL MALE OF COURSE) found that, and I quote, “Parts of the female brain are switched off when a woman is having an orgasm, but remain active if she is faking.”

DUH GEORGE.

Who came up with the idea of this study and what kind of kill joys are they? I think it’s really crossing a line, scientific or otherwise, when money is funded to figure out a female secret ploy that has been used since Eve. How dare they!

And, how will this work exactly in the bedroom? Will men suddenly wheel in a brain scan and attach it to our heads while we’re having sex so they can find out if we’re faking it or not??? And what does it mean when the studies show that in order for a woman to have an orgasm, her BRAIN HAS TO BE DEACTIVATED! Another blow to the male ego I’m sure.

Now, of course, I have never ever ever never never personally faked an orgasm (wink wink nudge nudge). But I know plenty of women who have and they do not need this new device in their lives!

Mary,

I have a very short reply to this: Why do they have to know if the woman is faking? Talk about insecurities -will it make them feel less manly if they know they can’t bring the woman to orgasm? I not, then why ask?

They are only going to make themselves feel bad and have to order more Viagra.

If the woman is faking an orgasm and making the man feel good, why is he complaining? She is the miserable one, again trying to make everything all better, and making her man feel good.

These guys don’t know when they have a good thing going, cause if they roll in the scanning machine they will all find out that they are not all of that, and a bag of chips in the bedroom. What about that old adage - “leave well enough alone” - - as far as a woman’s brain shutting down in order to have an orgasm–yeah, she has to shut down the part that says her partner is an idiot and a jerk if he has any interest in a brain-sex-check scan. That is the only way to get on with it and enjoy herself.

Here’s a brain scan that NO MAN wants to explore - who is your partner fantasizing about???

Let me give you the big clue pal, IT AIN’T YOU. If these men are in so much denial that they think it’s otherwise, that’ll show them not to mess with the inner neurons of our heads - -bring on those scanning machines and give up your hard-ons.

One more comment on the brain scan - if they thought there were a lot of “jumpers” after the stock market crashed, bring on the “orgasmic meter” and don’t walk under any tall buildings, cause once these men find out there could be some fakin’ goin’ on it may be raining “Macho Macho men”.

Can you imagine the deflated egos: “Oh yeah baby, you’re the best - this is sooooo great - don’t stop” - blah blah blah.

Just pair the orgasmic meter/scan up with the B.S. meter and now we’re talkin’!!

Wait ’til we have to tell them that most of our excitement during sex is actually because we are fantasizing about that great pair of pumps at Nordstroms–and how we talk dirty to get it over with quick so we can hop in the car and shop.

But hey - I guess for them ignorance isn’t bliss. It should be and they can go on thinking that they are the Masters of their Sexual Domain. Pitiful.

Lorraine

INTERNET INSANITY

Lorraine,

Putting up this website and trying to figure out all the computer language, dealing with computer glitzes, ftp addresses and a computer foreign language that will take me years to learn is driving me to INSANITY!!

You know what the definition of insanity is don’t you? Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results!

I’m trying to have my computer and the Internet become close friends and allies. It’s not working—in the past couple of months, my hard drive has crashed TWICE, wireless disappeared, and I cracked my screen (remember when I was talking to you and trying to carry too much stuff with one hand).

I love my computer but I’m feeling like a jilted lover.

Uploads, downloads, bumped off the Internet, material lost, symbols appearing out of nowhere—HOW DOES ANYONE FIGURE THIS OUT?

You need a frigging PH.D. in Computer Science to send an e-mail.

I need some Valium.

Mary

Mary,

Forget the PH.D. in computer science, not only would we be graduating about the time that we are checking into the assisted-living facility, our brain capacity for retention is now out-of-order and totally defunked. Our heads now need to come complete with a “default” button that one would push to bring our VERY gray matter back to “original set-up-mode”, then and only then could we walk away with real knowledge of a mainframe.
After trying to figure out why my laptop wouldn’t connect to the internet I had the same frustrating and exasperating experiences, this time with simple words.

Why do computer techs who are working with you, over the phone, to fix or diagnose a problem use terms like “power down your computer” instead of the only one I understand which is “shut it off”.

Or, “disconnect from the electrical connection”, instead of the easy “unplug”.

Due to the many days of not being able to connect to the internet and intercept my incoming mail, I had an enormous amount of unread emails. Upon hearing my complaint the tech told me I should consider claiming E-MAIL BANKRUPTCY. I thought maybe he had morphed into a banker but he went on to explain that when there are too many unread emails to open and read, one can paste an apologetic message regarding the lack of response to said email, attach all addresses, hit send and everyone reads of your plight and internet forgiveness is granted. You were not being rude, you just had no ACCESS. This must now be considered a form of internet manners.

I like my idea better. I asked the tech if this was a possibility……you just DELETE all, since the majority of them are garbage and if they need to get back to you, they will!! He had no response.

Internet techies with no sense of humor…too bad cause these situations are just begging for a laugh.

Lorraine

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I-PHONE DIVAS

Lorraine,

Did you read the news the other day about that girl who was on youtube.com who took her new I-Phone to Europe for a month and ended up with her bill in a HUGE BOX with the total amount of $3000?

This was such big news, it beat out Lindsay Lohan’s latest criminal/drug induced activities.

As you know, Kellie and Cassie just got back from their month-long European adventure (thanks to their generous father). Dave had bought them I-Phones for the trip which I greatly appreciated because they were able to phone, e-mail, text and send me pictures daily!

I informed the girls of this U-tube phone maniac and asked them if they could end up in the same predicament.

“Mom, gawd no way. We hardly used our I-phones at all.”

I wasn’t convinced.

I told Kellie to just check out their bill on-line just to make sure that their dad wasn’t about to suffer any imminent heart attacks. She complied and confidently got on-line with a smug “this is soooooooo unnecessary look on her face”.

I was talking to Cassie when all of the sudden we heard Kellie start to hyperventilate. When we asked her what was wrong, she couldn’t talk. Lorraine, Kellie COULD NOT TALK, a sound I haven’t heard since right before her birth.

After what seemed like an eternity, she stammered, in between the mouth-to-mouth resuscitation I had to do, complete with intermittent thumps on the chest, “Well, our combined I-Phone bill is:

8,076.92!!!!!!”

I’ll repeat that Lorraine, just so you know you’re not seeing things:

EIGHT THOUSAND, SEVENTY-SIX DOLLARS AND NINETY-TWO CENTS!

Write back as soon as possible…I need advice and I need it now!

Ok Mary,

First off, you better have a scanner and a copy of that bill because I am sure most of our readers will have a tough time believing this and will want verification or begin to call you a total hysteric, definite drama queen or a woman afflicted with Cell Phone Munchausen’s Syndrome.

Naturally I believe you since I was aware of the I-phone purchases by Dave, the month long trip to Europe, the generous amount of spending money and the daily phone call/text messages and photos between mother and daughters to keep you informed and relatively calm.

But the ending to this story could be the ending of Dave, as we know him. I don’t even want to ask which one of the girls will be the bearer of the financial debacle known as this HISTORY MAKING CELL PHONE BILL.

I hope someone has cardiac paddles handy. I hope Dave’s will is in order, and the girls are listed as beneficiaries because that may be the fastest way this bill is going to be paid.

Maybe Dave has an insurance policy on the girls…and when he strangles them he can collect the money, pay the bill, and go straight to jail.

I did read about the other You-Tube girl and her box full of the bill, but you might want to make sure that no publicity is given to this cell situation. The girls are blonde, giggly and like to have fun…. Daddy paid for the new phones and the trip across the sea…and threw in traveling cash to boot… LET THE JOKES BEGIN…

I think Dave will be the first human Mount St. Helens…only he may erupt more than once…write back, Lorraine

Lorraine,

Yes, I do feel for Dave. He was being a great father by making sure the girls had good access while they were traveling alone. And like most things that happen to us well-intentioned parents, IT BACKFIRED!

The not so happy conclusion to this story is that AT&T is “reviewing the situation” and will get back to Dave in a couple of weeks.

This is selfish on my part, but I’m SO GLAD my name isn’t on any of that bill! I’d have to sell one of my kidneys.

Anyway, I think the girls are in a state of shock and denial about the I-phone bill. In a delusional daze, they’re now focusing on “back to school” clothes, eyebrow-waxing appointments and, of course, new Broncos jerseys!

Maybe I can sue AT&T for their therapy bills and Dave’s new heart condition…

Mary